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Oki Cars, Comic-Con, and Island Life Laments

Current Mood:busy emoticon busy

Current Music: the kids playing Paper Mario on my Nintendo 64

The last week or so have been a bit of a blur, but after having first my car, then my husband’s taken in for repairs, we finally have two cars again. Hallelujah! Except now, I’m seeing roaches in my car from time to time. (Thank God they are not huge…yet.) Apparently that’s totally a normal occurrence on this tropical island “paradise”. So, traps have been bought and placed and a cleaning company is coming out next week to do an interior detailing to make sure we’ve gotten up every single possible food source. I will have to ban the kids from eating in the car, which is not going to be an easy task with as much as we’re on the go. Sigh. If it’s not one thing, it’s another I swear. Adulting is overrated. I’m ready to go back to the days of hibernating in my room for hours, playing Sims 2 and only taking breaks for instant ramen and diet soda refills. If only.

Went to the base-sponsored Comic-Con yesterday with the family. We only saw the vendor hall and bought some nifty artwork (like Star Wars prints signed by comic book artist Michael Golden!) and such before the kids began to melt down in the heat. We didn’t make it to any of the meet and greets or panels or anything like that, but it was the first con any of us have ever been to, and it was a free event, so I’m not going to complain too much about getting to experience at least a glimpse of what it’s like to attend a con. I would love to go to a bigger con once we’re back Stateside and the kids are all old enough to enjoy it without being bored to tears during discussions and waiting in line – or maybe just take the eldest ones at first. Anya is already talking about us cosplaying as Sailor Moon and Mini-Moon, so that expectation has now been set. Haha! I’m totally down; I’ve dreamed of cosplaying Sailor Moon for literally decades, though which Scout I wanted to be changed here and there. In fact, I’ve never been able to cosplay at all and would love to check that off the bucket list. It would be fun to not only get to finally do it, but to also share it with my daughter who is becoming quite the Sailor Moon fanatic herself.

I’ve been busy just trying to accomplish some normal life tasks. This week will be my last in the poetry course, and then I’ll have a one week break before the Shakespeare course begins. Thankfully, my mental clarity seems to be returning. I think the anxiety of dealing with medical staff and the unknown of my physical ailments was really getting to me and causing a massive amount of anxiety. I’ve kind of resigned myself to my fate of just having to ride out the physical symptoms until we move again, that medical here will never actually care to figure it out and will always be looking for the easy out of blaming it on my mental health. I informed them I’m not taking the SSRI’s they prescribed and am waiting for the behavioral health referral to come through that will probably never end in an appointment because things just get so lost in the shuffle of endless wait lists out here. Otherwise they haven’t prompted for any further testing or appointments, so I’m just avoiding them and not bothering anymore. Just removing the stress of trying to deal with them and having my hopes and expectations dashed repeatedly has helped tremendously, though all of the physical pain and issues are still present. I just power through it, as usual, and try my best to implement what self care I can to counteract it a bit.

I don’t think I’ll be able to return to dance, which is frustrating, but unless medical magically decides to actually get to the root cause of things, I don’t know that I can power through that level of physical activity, not to mention the risk of injury without knowing why my joints, muscles, and bones constantly ache and sometimes refuse to complete certain movements. I’ll have to do some soul searching about it. The studio sometimes requires a level of intensity I just don’t know that I can even attempt to live up to right now, and I don’t want to take away from the efforts of the girls there trying to maintain a professional standard for the teams and future endeavors. Maybe it’s just something that has to be shelved for now, until I can be home with family to help with the kids and can try to participate in theatre, which is really the dream anyway. I’m perfectly content to be in the background of endless community theatre musical numbers, happy just to get to be on stage singing and dancing and being a part of it. Just something else to look forward to when our time here comes to a close. Trying not to wish the years away…but I’m so over Okinawa life and the limitations that come with it.

My Weekend Brought to You by Team Ayu and the Supernatural Family

Current Mood:tired emoticon tired

Current Music: “Out of Control” by 浜崎あゆみ

I had a rare day of mental clarity and reduced pain yesterday, and, of course, I behaved as if everything was so perfectly normal because I felt so much better and overdid it running around doing ALL THE THINGS. It was my husband’s birthday, so I made cupcakes so we could celebrate with the kids in between finishing up some school assignments while my brain was in the right space to do so, then we got dressed up a bit and headed out for a dinner cruise he had surprised me with a reservation to a few weeks ago. It was a lovely, relaxing time, but once we were back in the car headed home, the familiar ache began to take hold in my hips, legs, and feet. What I’d give for one day doing remotely typical tasks without ending up in pain for it. I’m paying for it with mental exhaustion today more than with pain (back to it’s usual, constant baseline but not worsened as it can be after overdoing it on a good day), thankfully, but it’s still not loads of fun to deal with. I feel like I could sleep for the rest of the day, though I won’t, obviously, with children to homeschool and whatnot.

I’ve been trying to cheer myself up a bit by doing things related to special interests that had taken a bit of back seat in my efforts to fit in and be normal as an adult and mother. This is just the latest step in my journey of discovering the things I’ve done, or stopped doing, because of being autistic and how society, therefore, reacted to me before I was diagnosed. Ayumi Hamasaki (浜崎あゆみ) has been one of my favorite musical artists since high school, and this weekend I finally joined her official international fan club Team Ayu so I can get news on concerts and releases a little earlier and just enjoy having an opportunity to win things on her website and the access to her blog she keeps for the club. It seems such a silly thing for me to do, something I would’ve done as a teenager had the international option been a thing at the time, but it brings me so much joy just being a part of it. I even discovered that she will be performing in Okinawa next fall! I’m hoping to luck out and get tickets through the fan club when they go on sale. That would bring my grand total of Ayu concerts to two, which is more than I ever thought I’d be able to do as an American fan. Fingers crossed it works out for me to attend because it would be amazing to see her perform again and take Anya with me this time to experience it since she was too young to go along during the 2014 tour when I saw the 15th-anniversary show in Hiroshima. It would definitely give me something to look forward to when I’m having a bad health day and hating everything else about being stuck here on this island unable to do anything about my medical predicament.

I also splurged a little and did some shopping online at Hot Topic. (Good Lord, have I time-traveled back to my 15-year-old self this weekend, or what?) As Supernatural is going into its final season, they partnered with the retailer to produce a limited time t-shirt design to be sold for proceeds toward hurricane relief. It coincides with the official fandom holiday Supernatural Day, September 13th – the day the first episode ever aired. I never get to do any of this kind of stuff either because of time or money or because I believed society telling me it’s not a productive use of my time and energy. It feels so good to just not care about that anymore and embrace what I love! I’m so excited to get this shirt when it arrives because it’s a little piece of participating in the fandom lovingly dubbed the Supernatural family in real-time, as things were happening, instead of just watching from the sidelines, as I have for so many years, afraid to get as into it as I really wanted to because it would’ve been viewed as childish or useless. While I was already there doing some digital shopping, I decided on an impulse to get a dress that mimics the one Ariel wears during her time exploring the kingdom with Prince Eric in Disney’s The Little Mermaid and some glitzy Sailor Moon hair pins. It’s going feel like Christmas in the mail the day this all arrives.

I never do this stuff for myself, just for the kids, as we mothers are inclined to do. Don’t worry, my kids are still spoiled rotten with the things they love and time with me, but I’m not letting my own needs take a backseat to the point of neglect anymore. It’s a freeing feeling to be completely myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, and my kids benefit from how much happier I am – they’re even getting into some of my interests with me! Anya has loved bonding with me over Sailor Moon binge sessions and old Disney Channel movies in recent months. Do the things you love, ya’ll! And don’t let anyone make you feel silly for it. I never will again.