moonlit-butterflies.net - -

Monday, October 30, 2006

Yay!

Aaron text me today:

I just want to say thank you for all we've done together. I really hope you live happily. This is me saying goodbye.

Whatever. I give it a week before he tries to contact me again.

But it doesn't matter.

Because I didn't respond to this message.

Yay me! : D

I'm being strong this time around.

I will NOT give in.

He's just trying to get me to answer him.

This type of message has already been sent multiple times this week.

He's just trying to get a response.

But I will persevere.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Meh

So I went up to ETSU yesterday with my friend Katie. Saw Aaron. He didn't see me. Katie spotted him walking along in time for us to stop and let him pass before he could see us. Thank God. Though he did text me, as I knew he would, and said something along the lines of 'please don't hate me; I'm not a bad person.' So I text him back and said: Being drunk is no excuse. You are still responsible for your actions. I think I deserve an apology for those horrible things you said. Don't call me, drunk or otherwise, until you can make up your mind. I'm not going to answer just to be insulted some more. When you've decided for real whether or not you want me to be a part of your life, then contact me. Take some time to think about what you want. I mean that in a totally non-bitchy way. : ). I haven't heard a word from him since, so here's hoping he actually listened to me for once. Ugh.

Still talking to Michael. We talked to each other quite a few times yesterday. He even text me to call him on his work break. ^_______________^ Yay!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

End to the Drama

So Aaron text me at midnight Thursday to say: Sorry i m just stressed out i shouldn t of yelled. I didn't answer. I was asleep so when the phone rang half an hour later I answered without thinking about it. He said the same thing he text. I didn't say anything. He said goodnight, and I just said bye and hung up.

So yesterday my friend Babb asked me to hang out. We ended up at TCBY where we ran into Michael. : ) Michael gave me his jacket because I was cold and hugged me lots. Then he was texting with some girl that wanted them to be "talking", and Babb said something about me being jealous. I said I was and walked away a little bit. Michael was like, "Are you serious? I thought you were just kidding? You really do like me?" I said yes, and he put an end to the text conversation. Yay! So then Michael spent the rest of the night hugging me and holding my hand. ^_______________^ It was sweet.

We talked about it on and off through the night. He said he thought I liked him, but he didn't want to assume I was doing anything more than making Aaron jealous. I told him no. I've actually liked him since last school year when I was still dating Aaron, but I didn't do anything about it because...I was dating Aaron. Haha. I called him when I got home, and he said he'd love to date me. He's liked me since I was a Sophomore at GHS. ^_^;; But he needed to think things through because he has lots of drama in his life, and he knows that I'm going to Japan in the end. So he's thinking about it. I told him to go ahead. I'd spent the past few weeks doing my thinking, and I'd decided I'd like to date him. So he was pretty excited about that. Heck, I'm pretty excited about it, and I hope he does decide to date me.

So later last night my phone rings. Twice. It's Aaron. I do my usual half asleep thing and answer the phone. (I'm going to have to find a way NOT to do that without turning my phone off in case someone besides Dumbass is calling.) He starts cussing me again. He calls three or four times, cusses at me, and then hangs up like that makes him superior or something. He goes on about Michael just wanting in my pants; that he's going to sleep with me and then dump me. He calls me a fucking psycho bitch and a dirty whore. All kinds of good stuff. After the last time I text him saying: Just so you know, I wasn't begging you to keep talking to me. You aren't the Aaron I love anymore. And to think I was waiting for you. Glad I figured out that I was waiting for something that was never going to happen. Thanks for lying to me. And hanging up on me doesn't make you cool. Whatever. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time and emotions on someone who doesn't give a damn. Have a nice life. He calls back three more times. Cusses at me for wasting his text and continues spouting the same BS as the previous times. This time I tell him not to call me if he's going to be an asshole, or if he can't treat me like a human being. And I hang up on him. Finally I text him: Don't call me, Aaron. Just don't. I'm not going to put myself through this anymore. Sorry I wasted your time and text. He called two more times after that, but I didn't answer. And I'm never going to again.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Feces Hath Hit the Rotating Cooling Device

So my friend Sarah K bitched out Aaron because he's been harassing one of her friends plus all the shit he's done to me. So he decides to call me and say it's all my fault, and that I've turned everyone against him. HAHAHAHA. NO. YOU did it with YOUR actions. That's why everyone has decided you are an ass - because you ARE! So we yelled at each other and said some pretty hurtful things. He said I was a waste of the past year of his life and that I was a psycho stalker that needed to leave him the fuck alone, and that I have issues because a country is my dream. Excuse me? Who's the one that has called me all this time? Who's the one that has been threatening Michael? Who's the one who keeps tabs on my MySpace and Facebook and calls me crying if one of them even mentions another boy? ME, the stalker? Look in the mirror, asshole. And at least I have a goal in life, you bum. You're failing school and you try to blame me for the stress? It's because you sit in your room playing games all day, and then you stay out drinking all night. Dumbass.

So then he threatens me by saying he's cutting me out of his life if I don't get my friends to back off and apologize. Number one, I didn't tell them to say anything to him in the first place. Number two, I don't control my friends. That's ridiculous. So you know what? I'm taking him up on his threat. I told him if he wanted me out, I'm out. Done. Finished. I've already blocked him on my messengers and taken him off my friends lists on MySpace and Facebook. I don't know if I'll answer the phone when he calls later (which he said he would to finish talking/yelling about this) or not. I'm still contemplating. I think I'll just let it ring at least once. Unless he text me to answer, leaves me a voicemail, or calls me more than once in a ten minute time frame. I'll answer under those circumstances. But only because I'm interested in what other BS he has to spout. If he calls once, I'm not answering. Period. And if I talk to him tonight, that's it. I'll let him finish what he has to say, and I'm not answering anymore. IF he's really sorry, he'll have to find an extremely special way to apologize. A phone call isn't going to work anymore. Kissing my ass isn't going to work anymore. He's going to have to beg for forgiveness. He's going to have to make it up to me and then some to even talk to me again. I'm done with his shit. DONE.

I've already called Sarah K AND Michael to warn them of the impending drama they'll get since he can't take it out on me anymore. Apparently Aaron has also been sending Michael death threats and stuff via e-mails. Lovely. And I'm the stalker. Heh.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

...

Absolutely nothing of importance has happened today.

Completely drama free.

Except for the turmoil in my head.

I'm so damn lonely romantically.

And I miss Aaron more every day.

I thought it was supposed to get easier with time?

I think I'm going to go cry for a while.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Knew It

Aaron has been trying to kiss my ass all day and act like nothing happened last night. Good grief. Not only did he text me the second he woke up to tell me he wasn't ignoring me he just 'fell asleep,' he also called me later on in the morning to say he was sorry and was just trying to be there for me as a friend to look out for me. Hahaha. Funny stuff. -_-;; WTFever. I know damn well what he's doing. He's freakin' out because I could seriously leave him for Michael, and he's trying to do whatever he can to stop that from happening without committing to me. Fuck that. I'm not his toy. I'm not his fucking fallback plan. Gah. I still don't know what I'm going to do as far as Aaron's concerned, but I do know that I'm still seeing Michael until I see a reason not to. So far he has been a complete gentleman. He's never tried anything funny despite Aaron's claims of him just wanting to get in my pants. I know Aaron's just spouting BS because he doesn't know what else to do. He's scared. And he damn well deserves every minute of panic after what he's done to me.

WTF?

So Aaron called me at 1AM to tell me to check my MySpace messages. O-o;; I was half asleep and thought I was dreaming-didn't even realize it was Aaron. Then at 1:30AM he text me the same message. So I check it. Here's what it says: Michael is only trying to get in your pants. Dont believe me on this let it happen I honestly dont care. But just a forewarning..... That is all. Have a nice life. Um...okay. So I text him to ask what he's talking about, acting like I didn't check MySpace. He reiterates that I need to check it. I text him again telling him to just call me. I end up calling him, and he tells me the same thing the message says. He goes on and on about how Michael's just desperate and after one thing, and the past year must not have meant anything to me if I'm siding with Michael instead of him. *rolls eyes* He tried to feed me this BS about Michael threatening to kick HIS ass with a gun involved.

WTF? I've been friends with Michael for over a year. Almost as long as I dated Aaron! I seriously doubt any of that crap is true. I remain quiet the whole time we're on the phone until he says the only reason I'm with Michael is to make him jealous anyways, and it's not working. HA! The way he's acting is proof that it would be working if that were my plan! Dumbass. Then I defend myself. I don't USE people like that. I'm not that kind of person. Then Aaron says if I continue to see Michael, he can't associate with me anymore because of the things Michael said to him about shooting him or whatever the Hell. He said to call him when I'd made my decision and to think about what he'd said. And then...he hung up on me. Hell no, bitch. You do NOT hang up on me. Fuck no.

So I send him several text asking him what his problem is because he's scaring me, he's never acted like this before, and I want the chance to say what I think about the whole thing. He doesn't answer. So I call. Three times. Like the pathetic person I am. And I leave three messages in tears saying the same thing as my text with the fact that the past year meant more to me than anything, and he fucking knows that. And I pleaded with him to call me. I still haven't heard from him, and I haven't talked to Michael about it. I don't know what to do next. Through this whole thing I've had some kind of game plan. And right now...I don't. I know what I should do. I should just let Aaron leave. Let him go. Stop trying to keep him around. But I can't. Because the truth is the only relationship I want is with him. No one else can match up. And I've tried. I just want him. So now I have to figure out my next move. Ugh. This junk is killing me. I'm an emotional wreck. I spent the rest of the night crying so I'm tired now. T-T I hate this. I just want it to be over and be back in Aaron's arms. Heh.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Wow

So here's the scoop on what happened this weekend.

Friday: Aaron calls me that night yelling. Apparently Michael's ex told Aaron that I've been running my mouth about him calling him a drunk and an asshole, and that I've been trying to hook up with Michael for the sole purpose of making him jealous. Well, let's think about the source here. She's Michael's ex! Who wants Michael back! Duh. -_-;; Aaron's such a goober. Anywho, he hangs up the phone, and I call Michael to tell him that his ex needs to get her facts straight and come talk to me if she has a problem instead of starting shit. I don't even know this girl! I don't use people like that. I made sure Michael knew I was talking to him because I actually like him, Aaron be damned. So Michael tells me he'll take care of it, and we get off of the phone. Aaron calls again at about 2AM drunk as Hell just to tell me he'll call me tomorrow and he loves me. O-o;; I overlook it because I know he's drunk.

Saturday: No call from Aaron. I talk to his roommate's girlfriend, and she says he told her he's not going to call. Great. Okay. I know all I need to know. By this point I'm determined to just get this thing resolved so I can move on with my life. I text him telling him to have a nice life because his actions state that he clearly doesn't want me to be a part of it. Then he calls me wanting to know what my problem is. So we fight for a while. And then I just start asking questions and letting everything I've been feeling the past few months be known. Are we friends or more than that? Because he's been acting that way, and I'm confused about what he expects from me. He finally tells me he cares about me, but he can't be in a relationship with me right now. And it's not about other girls. He just doesn't want one. He decides it's not fair to allow us to be more than friends without the title because I might end up getting hurt more than I already have. He tells me I should go out on dates with other guys and stuff. Because even he knows that it's going to take the way something like that impacts him for him to really decide if he wants to be with me or not. So I agree not to call or message him anymore as a test for him. Because I'm done chasing him. When he misses me, he can call. And I won't say a word to him about any dates I go until he does call. And we're going from there. He even said if I decide I want to be with Michael that that's fine. O-o;; And that's what makes Sunday's event so freakin' hilarious.

Sunday: Aaron doesn't call. But Michael does. Apparently Aaron called Michael Saturday evening and threatened to kick his ass. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. XD OMG, that's freakin' hilarious! HAHAHAHAHA. It made my whole weekend. Heh. Michael said Aaron can just come on because he's not afraid of him. Haha. I don't want anybody fighting, I just think it's funny that Aaron tells me he doesn't want me that way right now, and I can date other people. Then he calls my only prospective boyfriend and wants to kick his ass. Wow. Aaron is such a lying goober. Dumbass. I wish he'd just admit he's still in love with me and that he wants me back already. Damn pride. That's what this is about. Trying to look like big man on campus. Can't let his buddies think he's a lovesick puppy. That would ruin his image. Hahaha. We shall see. Because I'm not backing down. I'm going to keep going out with Michael because I like him. And I'm not going to contact Aaron. I give it a week tops before Aaron calls me. It won't be more than a, "Hey, what's up?", but he'll call within the week. The goof. Just wait. This will only get more entertaining before it's all over.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm Sorry

I wish I could still be your friend, Aaron. But I know myself well enough to know it's not possible. I'll always be clinging to each and every thing you say and do hoping it means that you care about me as more than a friend. I can't be around you. Because you are my weakness. And I always give in. Always.

No one is ever going to make me feel the way you do. But I'm going to have to learn to settle for second best. Because the best thing that ever happened to me doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I've learned the hard way that I'm not meant to have anything really special. It's always taken away. I thought you were going to be the one exception. But you aren't.

I hope that if one day you decide I am the one you want, that I'm still single and willing to try again. To start over with you. But for now, I have to pretend you never happened. Because the only way I can live without you is to pretend you don't exist. That we never happened. Because otherwise nothing will compare to what we had. My life will be meaningless in comparison. And I can't live like that anymore.

I wish I didn't have to do this. I feel like I'm giving up on the chance I still have with you. But I hope that if you decide you want me one day, you won't be afraid to call me and tell me. Because I'd hate to know that you didn't try because of this. So try. If that day comes, please try. That is the last thing I ask of you.

I'm so sorry. I really am. I love you so much. I just want you to know that. Have a nice life, Aaron. Because my heart can't take being a part of it anymore. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much. Forgive me.

I wrote everything above this before you called me back just now. I don't know if I want to stop being around you yet or not now. Now that you've told me I should keep trying. So I guess for now I'll just stick with letting you call me when you want to. And I'll just pretend I don't have you as an option to call or message anymore.

Maybe it's a good test for you, too. Maybe you'll realize you miss me or miss talking to me. That's always a good sign. And I'll try what you said. About going out with someone else. When I feel the time is right. I'm not going to say anything to you until you call me afterward. If you do.

I hope to hear from you later. Because that means you're thinking about me. I love you. Have a good time on your trip.

(Sent to Aaron on Facebook.)

Friday, October 20, 2006

I don't know what to do.

Hey. This is really out of the blue, I know. I know I can't talk to you on the phone. You never have time for me anymore. There's always something or someone more important to you. But you said you'd always be here for me. I want to believe that.

Honestly? I really wish you were here right now. Just for an hour or two. Just to hold me while I cry and vent. Just to let me feel safe and loved; even if it's only for a moment. Because no one else can be you. Heh.

I don't know what to do anymore, Aaron. I don't. I'm so lost and confused. I feel like my entire life is going in the wrong direction; and I'm not just talking about us. I mean everything.

I feel so alone. And you are the only person who can make it all go away just by holding me. Maybe I'm just pathetic. Maybe I'm crazy for still loving you. I honestly wish I didn't. But wishing isn't going to make me stop. Because nothing else has.

I've tried everything. I've tried so hard to stop loving you. To be angry at you. To hate you. And I can't. I'm even talking to someone right now who is probably about to ask me to be his girlfriend. And I like him. I really do. And I thought I could move on from you if I found someone else I liked; not just someone to take your place.

But he's not you. My heart doesn't skip a beat when I see his name on my phone. The sound of his voice doesn't give me butterflies. The touch of his hand doesn't give me chills. And his embrace doesn't make me feel like the world around me is standing still.

I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for burdening you. But I can't keep it all inside anymore. I can't pretend I could just be with this boy and forget about you. Because I can't. I'm not even sure that I want to. I don't know what I want anymore.

I miss you.

And I love you.

And I know you'll probably send a two word response or none at all. Or you'll just act like nothing was said. And I'll be disappointed. But...I have to say it. Because I feel like I'm losing my mind without you.

I just wish I knew what to do. I just wish I could be with you. But wishing never made anything happen. Not for me. Maybe I should just accept that and get used to being miserable.

And I know it sounds like I'm trying to guilt trip you. I swear I'm not. I promise that is not my intention. I'm just...lonely. I just miss you. I'm sorry.

(Sent to Aaron on Facebook.)

Boys, Boys, Boys

Soccer Dude: Talking on Facebook. Nothing major going on there.

Michael: Big news here. Started out with a text convo today that progressed to a phone convo that progressed to a sit-around-Erika's-room-eating-pizza-and-watching-The-Lakehouse-date-thing. Haha. So he was here for a few hours telling all the guys that IMed me that I didn't want bothering me that I was taken. XD Then he posted comments on my MySpace to piss Aaron off. We talked about how Michael has had a crush on me since I was a Junior at GHS, but I didn't know who he was until I started working at McD's last year because he worked there with me and Aaron. We danced around the subject of becoming a couple, and we both seem up for it. We both just came out of relationships so we're kind of wary, but I think it might happen. We really like each other, and we plan to go out on a real date soon so we'll see.

Aaron: Got into a fight with him today. Again. He called me during daytime minutes to ask a favor concerning a female friend of his. Then said he couldn't talk to me until it was free. So she's worth his minutes, but I'm not? Fuck that. He's supposed to call me tonight, but he still hasn't. And he didn't call me last night. So I don't expect him to call tonight either. His loss. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to date Michael at this point. Sarah M and I have decided I should go with whichever comes first. We all know I can't turn Aaron down if I'm still single, but if Michael asks me to be his girlfriend before Aaron decides to then I'll be with Michael. End of discussion. I'm not going to hurt Michael like that by dumping him for Aaron because I actually like Michael a lot. We'll see what happens.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wee~

So let's give the daily update on my boys, shall we?

Soccer Dude: Saw him on my way to Sarah M's car. Should have said something, but I didn't. I did turn around in time to catch him looking back at me, though. : D

Michael: Had some text conversations throughout the day. He's going to call me tonight. I am SO inviting him to Kesha's Halloween party this weekend. Haha.

Aaron: Is going to be pissed when he finds out that I was with another guy, skimpily dressed in my pixie costume, at a party, on his campus, and I didn't even stop to see him. Sweet victory is mine. We never did reconcile last night, though he did call. Not expecting him to call tonight. Which is fine. I'll be talking to Michael anyways.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

T-T

I KNOW he's not worth my tears.

But will someone please tell my tear ducts that?

Because they don't seem to be getting the memo.

Boys

So I guess I should update on my boys now.

Soccer Dude:
Haven't really heard from him during the break. I left him a message on Facebook earlier this evening asking him how his break went.

Michael:
Called him tonight and talked for a minute. We're going to reschedule our movie date. Yay! ^_^

Aaron:
Fighting again. He yelled at me for calling him before 9PM earlier and then never called me back so I left him a lovely text message. He called me after that. Said he wasn't yelling at me. Whatever. He's supposed to call me back, but I bet he won't.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Japanese Man

Michael finally called. Turns out he had to work a double at work with next to no warning. Still wish he would have called and told me. But whatever. We'll see what happens next. In other news, a woman at my dentist is trying to hook me up with a Japanese man. : D Apparently he moved here to work at DTR, a factory that is run by a Japanese company in Greeneville. That's where our small Japanese population comes from. ^_^;; Anywho, this guy is looking for someone who is interested enough in his culture to want to learn the language from him and maybe help him with English. Obviously, he was looking for a romantic interest, as well. Haha. So I gave the lady my number and told her to tell him I'm interested. She couldn't remember his name. XD But I know he's 24, and he's from Japan. And that is music to my ears.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm Sorry

I'm so sorry that I have to do this. I feel so guilty. But the threat of losing me is the only thing that will give you a reality check. And even if that doesn't happen, going out with someone else is the best way for me to move on from you. I don't want to; you've given me no choice. I love you. And I am so sorry.

EDIT: Scratch that. My date never showed up OR called. Psh.

...

A lot has occurred since I last updated. Let's just recap: there are two boys besides Aaron that I am interested in. The first is Soccer Dude. I have a grade school crush on him. Haha. The other is my friend Michael. He liked me back when I Aaron and I were dating, but we just stayed friends. He gave me his favorite necklace as a going away gift when I graduated from our high school early last December. (He's a Senior there this year.) Aaron got pissed off and made me give it back to him. Psh. Well, I've been running into Michael a lot lately in the most random places. The other night Sarah M and I were in McDonald's when he comes in and asks me about Aaron. Then he makes a joke about putting stuff on my MySpace about us dating just to mess with Aaron's head. When I got home I sent him a message saying we should really go out sometime. He called me last night and took me up on my offer. He called me again tonight, and I stopped by Little Caesar's where he works to see him on my way home from the movies. He asked me on a date tomorrow night. OMG. My first real date. EVER. I've never even been on a date with Aaron. Holy bejeezus. Just...wow. My first attempt at dating SINCE Aaron. And I'm okay with it. I actually like Michael. I'm still in shock that this is happening. Haha. Fuck you, Aaron. You snooze, you lose, asshole. : P I'm going on a date tomorrow, and I'm SO excited about it!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Thrice

So I saw Soccer Dude three times today. : D Lucky number 3! Waved at him the first time. Talked to him for like two seconds the third time. I admit it. I'm crushin' like a middle school girl right now. I'm afraid to go up and talk to him when there are a bunch of other people around. : X Our conversations are always brief and awkward. And sometimes when we see each other, we do that weird thing where you kind of pretend you didn't see the other person because you have no idea how to start a conversation. And then you keep stealing glances at each other. Yeah. We've done that all day. -_-;; I'm ashamed of myself. Haha. I thought I had grown more confident!

Aaron did call me back last night. Three times. But I don't want to talk about him right now. Because he's an ass. And I'm very angry with him at this moment in time. I have Soccer Dude to occupy my time instead. So there.

Grrr

So Aaron didn't call me until last night. It was a short and completely pointless conversation. Then he called as I was leaving work today. O-o Just to tell me he was going to a meeting and wanted to see what I was up to. Weirdo. Then he called me a few minutes ago. People come and go in Aaron's dorm all of the time. So I talk to him for a while, and a couple of guys come in and out just to say what's up and stuff. Then I hear a girl come in. And the first thing out of Aaron's mouth is, "I'll call you back in a little bit." Asshole. Fuck you and your two-timing ways, buddy. If you ever want to come back to me in the future, you have A LOT of ass kissing to do. Because I am NOT the least bit happy with your arse. I've just been getting more and more angry since Thursday. You are digging your own grave right now. I sure hope a piece of ass is worth that to you. And, yes, the knowledge that he is probably making out with some other girl right now does hurt like a bitch, but I'm trying hard to turn that into anger. Because anger makes it easier to move on. Anger makes it easier to block out the good memories of Aaron and the love I still have for him. He's not Aaron anymore anyway. The Aaron I loved never would have done this to me. He would have rather jumped into oncoming traffic than hurt me or be with anyone besides me. This new guy isn't Aaron. He's an asshole. And I really want to hate him.

In happier news, I saw Soccer Dude today. : D (The guy I have a crush on at Tusculum. I actually liked him last semester, but I was dating Aaron and knew it wasn't worth jepordizing that. Heh. At least one of us is loyal.) I didn't get to talk to him, though. T-T But now I'm messaging with him on Facebook so all is well. ^_^ I'm determined to get a date with him. I actually like him so I think it will be a good chance for me to get back out there without it just being an attempt to piss Aaron off. That's why I'm not dating every guy that asks because I know it would just be to make Aaron jealous. But Soccer Dude is someone I could have real feelings for. Might as well give it a shot, ne?

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Weakness

So Aaron called me last night, and we yelled at each other. I was out with my friend Katie in Johnson City. We both eventually calmed down, and he said he'd call me later. I was still in Johnson City at about midnight so I text him to see if he wanted me to stop by. Keep in mind Katie and I were at her brother's apartment with a bunch of friends.

Aaron: I dont care im with brad

Erika: I'll text you when I'm getting ready to leave Jason's apartment. Don't know when that will be.

Aaron: Jason?

Erika: A friend.

Aaron: Explain please

Erika: Explain what?

Aaron: Who jason is

Erika: Katie's older brother. Why?

Well, he never answered my question. Haha. But I knew he wouldn't. He was so damn jealous he couldn't stand it. Oi vey. So when I finally get out of Jason's apartment I call him to ask if he wants me to stop by or not.

Aaron: I guess. Do you want to? (The second part was said in his mushy voice.)

Erika: Yes.

Aaron: Well, call me if the outside door is locked and you can't get in.

So we go, I call him to tell him the door IS locked, as usual. So I try to hang up as he's coming downstairs, and he does one of his random mushy things. "No, you stay on the phone." ^_^;; Katie and I hung out in his dorm for a while. And I gave in to my weakness. I cuddled with him. I let him hold me and wrestle with me and have a tickle war. When it was time to go I cried. I hugged him, kissed his cheek, and stroked his hair. Why? Because that's the last time. You heard me. I gave in because, like I said in my last entry, it's his turn to chase me. And I just wanted what could have been my last cuddle with him. From now on, I'm his friend. Since he claims that's how he wants us to be. And I'm going to go out on dates with other boys when they ask me. I won't cancel just because Aaron calls crying about still being in love with me and not wanting me to go out with someone else. Too fucking bad. He's either my boyfriend or he's not. No more limbo. And until he comes to me and says he wants to be my boyfriend again, that's how it's going to be. I'm not playing his games anymore. I'm not letting him hurt me like this. I've cried my last cry. I'm ready to face this thing. How it all ends is up to Aaron. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let him control me or my heart anymore.

Saturday, October 7, 2006

Text War

So I posted some stuff on my Facebook about deserving better than Aaron but not wanting better. And the following text conversation ensued.

Aaron: Why are doing this? If this is how you feel then stay away from me

Erika: What are you talking about?

Aaron: I deserve better than him?? If you do then go out and get better and you quit harassing me

Erika: Harassing you? Is that how you feel about me? I'm still around because I love you, and I don't want to give up on the amazing guy you were mere weeks ago. You let other people influence you too much, Aaron. I worry about you so much. It's like John all over again. I feel like I'm watching you destroy everything wonderful you were, and I can't do anything to stop you. It's more about that for me now than us getting back together.

Erika: I guess you couldn't think of something else hurtful to say to me. I can't believe I mean so little to you. Call me later when you have time to talk to me. I have some things I need to say. I'd rather say them in person, but I know better than to hope for so much of your precious time.

Aaron: I am at work right now don t have time for this shit

Erika: I didn't ask for you to talk to me right now. I asked for you to call when you have time. You don't have to be such an ass about it. Forget it. If you hate me so much I won't bother you anymore. I guess I won't bother waiting for your call. I hope your alcohol and newfound asshole attitude keep you warm at night. But just so you know, when you need me I'll still answer your call. I love you, and I'm sorry that doesn't mean anything to you now.

Aaron: quit it just stop what your doing its Pissing me off

And I haven't said anything back. I don't think I want to. I said enough in my last message. If he wants to keep me in his life, he'll have to make the move. I'm tired of chasing after him and trying to help him. He doesn't appreciate it. He doesn't care. I'm tired of trying to love someone who doesn't give a damn about me. Fuck it.

Friday, October 6, 2006

Oi Vey.

If you have my Facebook you know that the feces has once again hit the rotating cooling device. Aaron and I got into a fight about some stupid shit, and everything that's been building up pretty much crumbled. Fuck it. I'm so done being his safety net and his back up plan. If he wants me, he's going to have to commit to me or lose me. His choice. I'm done waiting around. Every time I try to move on and go out with other guys he gets all jealous and possessive long enough for me to drop the other guy thinking Aaron and I getting back together. Once he knows he has me waiting a little longer before he has to commit, he starts acting like an ass again. I'm not going to play these games. Not anymore. I'm going to do my thing, and I'm not going to sit and wait for him when he starts acting like we're getting back together. When he comes to me and says we ARE getting back together-if I still want him-fine. Great. Dandy. If not, he's going to lose me to someone who will commit and treat me like a freakin' human being. Whatever. On a related but somewhat different note, this is one of my songs about Aaron that I've been listening to before we got in that stupid fight.

When I sleep
I have dreams about the way we used to kiss
About the way you used to hold me
And say nothin would ever harm me
When we first met
Oh how you charmed me
Made me smile when I was down
Big pimpin' around the town
You and me
Whenever they'd see you
They'd see me
A lover and a friend to me you were
How did it end
How it hurts
To not have you in my life
when I wanted to be your wife

You never know what you have
Till it's gone
Treated you wrong
For so long
Now you're gone away
But the love still lives here

I still got love for you
After what we've been through
I gave my heart to you
And baby you're the only one

There's other men than you
They can't come close to you
Once I said I love you
I knew you'd be the only one

A good man you were to me
Always there to care
Would do anything in this world for me
Didn't matter, what, when, or where
You were there
I never thought we'd part from the arguments we'd start
When I just wanted to get some attention
And I'm sorry baby for bitchin
If I could take back the words
That I said to make you leave
I'd be down on bended knees
Asking you to please forgive me

You never know what you have
Till it's gone
Treated you wrong
For so long
Now you're gone away
But the love still lives here

I still got love for you
After what we've been through
I gave my heart to you
And baby you're the only one

There's other men than you
They can't come close to you
Once I said I love you
I knew you'd be the only one

All of the good times we had together
Do they mean something to you
Do you ever wish we'd never split
Still got love for you...

I still got love for you
After what we've been through
I gave my heart to you
And baby you're the only one

There's other men than you
They can't come close to you
Once I said I love you
I knew you'd be the only one

I still got love for you
After what we've been through
I gave my heart to you
And baby you're the only one

There's other men than you
They can't come close to you
Once I said I love you
I knew you'd be the only one

"Still" - Jennifer Lopez

Thursday, October 5, 2006

sigh

I just spent the evening cuddling with Aaron...in front of his friends. I kid you not. I know I shouldn't let this stuff make me hopeful, but he kept nuzzling his face against mine and kissing me on the cheek. He kept wanting to cuddle up to me and stuff even though his friends were there. That's something he wouldn't even do when we were dating there toward the end. So I can't help but feel good about it. I sent him a text afterward that said I missed him already, and that if he isn't ready for us again yet it's okay. Because I'll be here waiting for now. Because I love him so much. He just needs to know that even though I wish he'd come back right now, in the end it's his decision; and I'm not going to bitch at him about it until he makes it. And that's where I stand right now. But, God, do I ever love that boy. I'm still on a natural high from the cuddling. ^______________^

Sunday, October 1, 2006

Fun in JC with Aaron

So I went out with Foxx last night as friends. On the way we picked up Aaron and his friend Travis. XD I told Foxx I wasn't going anywhere with him unless Aaron could go. So Aaron went. And Travis. Haha. It was so much fun. I bought Aaron some birthday presents and even a cookie at the mall. (He's not a big fan of birthday cake. He likes those cookie cakes and pumpkin pie instead.) He was sweet all night, like he always is when we're together. I swear the only difference between now and when we were an official couple was the title. We don't act much different. And we aren't dating anyone else at the moment-by choice. But I can't rush him into giving me that title back. That's a choice he has to make in his own time. I just hate waiting for it to happen when it might as well have already with the way we act. Ugh.

Anywho, he called me last night, and we either talked on the phone or played Conquer Online together pretty much the whole night. He thanked me for last night and kept telling me how great it was to see me. ^_______________^ And then he said he wanted to make sure I knew he still cares about me. For some reason he was afraid I thought he didn't anymore. Haha. Goof. It's so obvious he does. : P That's why it's so frustrating that he won't just ask me to be his girlfriend again and get it over with. Things wouldn't be any different. Except we'd actually kiss and say, "I love you." Those are the only two things we refrain from...most of the time. >_>;; Uh-hum. Anywho, he'd still be free to party with his friends. That's his choice. I'm not his mother. And I don't mind him having a good time and a drink or two as long as there are no other girls involved in a manner I would not approve of. Ya' know? But he can have female friends. I can have male friends. None of that matters to me anymore. This break up has put so much into prospective for me. How controlling I tried to be because I was insecure. But I'm better about it now. I'm glad he has friends. I'm glad he can go out and have a good time on pretty much a daily basis but still come home to call me and say goodnight. ^____________^ I love it. And none of that would change if we became official again. Because I have made that change. I just wish he'd give me the chance to prove it.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Yay!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Meh

Saturday, October 28, 2006

End to the Drama

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Feces Hath Hit the Rotating Cooling Device

Thursday, October 26, 2006

...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Knew It

WTF?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Wow

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm Sorry

Friday, October 20, 2006

I don't know what to do.

Boys, Boys, Boys

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wee~

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

T-T

Boys

Monday, October 16, 2006

Japanese Man

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm Sorry

...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Thrice

Grrr

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Weakness

Saturday, October 7, 2006

Text War

Friday, October 6, 2006

Oi Vey.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

*sigh*

Sunday, October 1, 2006

Fun in JC with Aaron

sigh