moonlit-butterflies.net - -

Obsession with Japanese.

I'm beginning to think I'm the only freak who is absolutely crazy about Japanese pop/rock music. (That lives in dinky Tennessee, at least.) I'm really sad that none of my friends have really enjoyed the live-action Sailor Moon like I do. (At least, none that I've shown it to so far.) They kind of watch it, but they never really get into it. Maybe it's because they have to read subtitles. Or maybe it's because they were never as obsessed with the original mangas and animes like I was once upon a time. Who knows. It does make me kind of sad, though. I really want one of my friends around here to be interested in it, too, so that I don't have to be obsessed all by my lonesome. I want someone to watch it with me that will truly understand everything that's going on and pay attention to details like I do. Someone who will get excited about upcoming episodes because of romance or a certain character getting the spotlight for the entire half of an hour.

But I guess I'm the only Japanese obsessed freak in Hickville, Tennessee. That should be expected, I suppose. I mean, it is Tennessee. What kind of Tennesseans even pay attention to the fact that Japan is even on the Earth. ^_^;; Me!! I even dream of living in Tokyo part of the time when I'm older. I think it would be so awesome! I want to learn Japanese so I can become a pop/rock singer in Japan. (I want to be a pop/rock singer here, too, of course.) I just love the way the Japanese language sounds and the way it rolls off of my tongue when I speak it. (The few words I know, anyways.) Ah, well. I guess I'll have to wait until that glorious day that I live in Tokyo to find another avid live-action Sailor Moon fan.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Alone.

(Before I even begin, I don't want any of my online friends or friends in my real life to think this entry pertains to them in any way. I love you all very much and probably would have lost my sanity long ago if it weren't for you guys. But even you don't really know me, and none of us are extra close. Just know that's what I mean when I say I have no friends. I love you guys.)

I'm counting down the days until summer just so I don't have to see Kesha and Erin anymore. I hate going to school every day just because I have to be around them. I don't know how much more of their crap I can take. I went to Kesha's birthday party this afternoon. Erin bashed me because I didn't want to be part of the water balloon fight. I could ignore that. But with only twenty minutes left of the party, Kesha hadn't cut the cake or opened her presents. I had asked her once-ONCE-to do it before I left. Five minutes later, they're still taking their sweet time(they being Kesha, Erin, Shea, and Danielle). So I go to her room and say, in a somewhat cheerful tone-as hard as it was for me to be cheerful at all, I tried-"Kesha, I want you to open your presents before I leave." And before I even get past the word presents, she says-in one of the snottiest tones you can imagine-"I know!! God!" So I left the room 'cause I could feel the tears coming on. Then I hear all four of them in her room talking about me like I can't hear them. Being downstairs, I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but I kept hearing the word 'she' followed by "whispering".

I wanted to cry. I can't stand being the outcast anymore. And I'm tired of trying to keep them all happy. I'm tired of getting bashed, especially when I have done nothing worthy of this crap. I'm thinking very seriously about writing a long letter to each of them, Erin and Kesha, on the last day of school. But at the same time, I don't want them to think they've won. I just...I just don't know what I'm going to do next. As soon as I walked through my door this evening, I just flopped onto my bed and cried. I've tried to be strong and not cry or show that they've hurt me, but it's getting so hard to do that. I really have no true friends. Someone I can hang out with 24-7, tell everything, and be myself around.

I don't plan on being around Kesha or Erin at all this summer if I can help it. I'll probably hook up with some of my old friends that still love me and get as far away from this crap with those two as I possibly can. If I have to be completely alone in order to stop this, I will be. I can't take being this miserable. I always feel like it's my fault that no one can stand to be around me. But I give up trying to please everyone else. Screw it. I'm tired of caring about having a best friend. It always gets me into crap like this. Why should I care that the "best years of my life", my only time as a teenager, are miserable and lonely? No one around me seems to think about that as they put me down. And to think these are supposed to be the fun years, the years when I'm supposed to be carefree and partying with friends. Geez. What a load of crap.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Stuck.

I feel like I'm stuck in these mixed up emotions right now. I'm not sure what to think or what to say or do. I spent Friday night with Kesha and Erin at Kesha's house. I got quiet because I was beginning to feel like a third wheel. They decided it'd be a good time to "talk". So, we had an Erika bashing party, where everything I said was contradicted by something nasty they had to say. Now they think I'll just go with the flow. I won't. They may think I'm doing what they want, but they'll wake up one day and realize they were the fools-not me.

Kesha told me all about how much better I used to be in comparison to who I am now. Erin told me I act like the world revolves around me, and I'm the only person who has ever been through depression. What baffles me is she's the one who said, "Tell us what's wrong." Well, when someone tells you what's wrong, they're going to tell you what's wrong with them, and only them, while you listen. You don't shove everything they say right down their throats. I have never been downright pissed at Erin, but I am now. She doesn't realize it, and neither does Kesha. That's the way I intend to keep it.

I feel like there is something I should be doing to repair this situation with my depression. But I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is. I just have this feeling of urgency to take some sort of action. But how? I don't know what to do next. I'm just confused and tired of trying.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Obsession with Japanese.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Alone.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Stuck.